Post by scottieswife on Aug 27, 2005 5:34:23 GMT -5
Letter to Nobody
By An Ohio Death Row Inmate
12 August 2005
I am writing just for the sake of speaking out. I've no one whom to say
these things things, to, I'm just doing it for my sanity. If I find someone who
would like to know about me one day I'll let then read all of this.
I'm a death row inmate in Ohio, I'm 40 years old, 25lbs overweight, wearing
prison issue glasses and I look like someone other than myself. Only I can
see the good looking guy that was arrested for a double murder in 1989. I've
been broken in so many ways that I couldn't begin to make someone understand. I
wonder how much more I must endure before it all ends and HOW it will all
end.
On August 1st, eleven days ago, the woman I loved told me she was in love
with my best friend.........another guy on death row.I know I should just see
it, as someone on the outside would see it, thats she's obviously insane to
begin with. But I know why she only falls for men in prison,it's because she
knows that men in prison look deep within themselves, and they appreciate her
love far more than men on the outside. They cling to her, depend upon her, and
make her feel like nd angel. They feel blessed by her love and companionship.
The sad thing is her inabilty to be commited to just one person. Once the
relationship takes on the air of being comfortable, she becomes bored and looks
for that exciting time of getting to know someone new.
Yet, once she IS known, she wants to move on they they see the
truth......that she's not a "happily ever after" kind of girl. Never has been.....never
will be.
The friend she ran off with, so to speak, is a guy I took under my wing when
he first arrived. All the homosexuals were at his cell trying to drag them
into their world of using one another.....not just sexually, but in the way
that inmates do, gambling, scheming, and just being sh*t starters. They are the
kind of people without self respect. Their idea of respect is to give props
to people who are feared.
I kept him out of all that, and he was my cellie for 22 months,from April 98
till Feb 2000.............. a year and a half after he arrived in Sept.
1996. We were closer than any two friends can be. We were locked in a nine by
eleven foot cell, with a shower in it. We ate, sh*t, showered and slept in the
same space.
While most other death row inmates were fighting with their cell mates, he
and I got along famously. We worked out together, played cards and board
games, did art work together, and talked about everything. He was like my brother
and I loved him as much as my brother.
I lost 2 people I loved the most, Though they say they want to continue to
be friends, I have no room n my heart. I'm unable to be friends with people
who betray my trust and my love. A two year relationship and a 9 year
friendship both tossed in the garbabge out of selfishness. I'm hurt because of
it.........but I can't go backwards and try to be less than what we were with either
of them. Thats not how I work.
I'm on death row now because my brother in law hit the backend of a guys
truck, the guy attacked, and I killed him. I didnt mean to....and there was no
intention to harm anyone that day.
Its how I was raised, you protect the people you love, regardless of your
own safety. Another man was killed in the incident, also. I can't take it
back. I can't do ANYTHING to change what happened. But I would protect my brother
in law again in those same circumstances. The only difference is that I
don't drink or do drugs anymore, because I dont ever want to be without the
ability to reason under pressure. (yes drugs and alcohol are accessible in prison)
So, I dont understand betrayal. These people can't possibly like who they
are! And, I know I dont like them. The only thing I feel, besides being hurt
and angry , is pity that they are people with no integrity.
You know whats worse? It won't last between the two of them.......and I feel
betrayed for nothing. And I will not forgive them afterwards, Well, maybe
forgive but I'll never talk to either of them.
I'm alone in this world. I have a friend I call in Ohio and one in Scotland.
I hear from my daughter once in a while. But, my brother lives in
England.........my kids are in Florida.....and I don't hear from the rest of my family.
Never knew my father, and my mother and sister have both died in the past 2
years..........as did a very dear friend of mine.
what do I do now? How do I live? Where do I find hope?? Where is it that my
thoughts and heart call home?SHE was "HOME" to me. She took that and gave it
to someone else. HE took it for his own. I feel orphaned.
Sixteen years, I have watched my life fade into nothingness. All I've
written to my mother has been scattered to the wind. I no longer exist in this
world. A living ghost, if you will. I have no future, no past..........just this
empty present. If I died, a couple of people who say "thats too bad" but no
one's life would be turned upside down because of it. But, perhaps the pain
would go away for me. I'm not that concerned about my current appeal in federal
court. In fact I'd rather die than be sentenced to "life in prison"
Why would I want to extend my heartache and pain? My kids are all grown
up...........in their twenties now. My family have forgotten about me. The rest
are dead.My best friend is no longer someone I like.....My girl gave herself
to someone else. And I am supposed to FEAR death? I WELCOME an end to this.
An Ohio Death Row inmate.
By An Ohio Death Row Inmate
12 August 2005
I am writing just for the sake of speaking out. I've no one whom to say
these things things, to, I'm just doing it for my sanity. If I find someone who
would like to know about me one day I'll let then read all of this.
I'm a death row inmate in Ohio, I'm 40 years old, 25lbs overweight, wearing
prison issue glasses and I look like someone other than myself. Only I can
see the good looking guy that was arrested for a double murder in 1989. I've
been broken in so many ways that I couldn't begin to make someone understand. I
wonder how much more I must endure before it all ends and HOW it will all
end.
On August 1st, eleven days ago, the woman I loved told me she was in love
with my best friend.........another guy on death row.I know I should just see
it, as someone on the outside would see it, thats she's obviously insane to
begin with. But I know why she only falls for men in prison,it's because she
knows that men in prison look deep within themselves, and they appreciate her
love far more than men on the outside. They cling to her, depend upon her, and
make her feel like nd angel. They feel blessed by her love and companionship.
The sad thing is her inabilty to be commited to just one person. Once the
relationship takes on the air of being comfortable, she becomes bored and looks
for that exciting time of getting to know someone new.
Yet, once she IS known, she wants to move on they they see the
truth......that she's not a "happily ever after" kind of girl. Never has been.....never
will be.
The friend she ran off with, so to speak, is a guy I took under my wing when
he first arrived. All the homosexuals were at his cell trying to drag them
into their world of using one another.....not just sexually, but in the way
that inmates do, gambling, scheming, and just being sh*t starters. They are the
kind of people without self respect. Their idea of respect is to give props
to people who are feared.
I kept him out of all that, and he was my cellie for 22 months,from April 98
till Feb 2000.............. a year and a half after he arrived in Sept.
1996. We were closer than any two friends can be. We were locked in a nine by
eleven foot cell, with a shower in it. We ate, sh*t, showered and slept in the
same space.
While most other death row inmates were fighting with their cell mates, he
and I got along famously. We worked out together, played cards and board
games, did art work together, and talked about everything. He was like my brother
and I loved him as much as my brother.
I lost 2 people I loved the most, Though they say they want to continue to
be friends, I have no room n my heart. I'm unable to be friends with people
who betray my trust and my love. A two year relationship and a 9 year
friendship both tossed in the garbabge out of selfishness. I'm hurt because of
it.........but I can't go backwards and try to be less than what we were with either
of them. Thats not how I work.
I'm on death row now because my brother in law hit the backend of a guys
truck, the guy attacked, and I killed him. I didnt mean to....and there was no
intention to harm anyone that day.
Its how I was raised, you protect the people you love, regardless of your
own safety. Another man was killed in the incident, also. I can't take it
back. I can't do ANYTHING to change what happened. But I would protect my brother
in law again in those same circumstances. The only difference is that I
don't drink or do drugs anymore, because I dont ever want to be without the
ability to reason under pressure. (yes drugs and alcohol are accessible in prison)
So, I dont understand betrayal. These people can't possibly like who they
are! And, I know I dont like them. The only thing I feel, besides being hurt
and angry , is pity that they are people with no integrity.
You know whats worse? It won't last between the two of them.......and I feel
betrayed for nothing. And I will not forgive them afterwards, Well, maybe
forgive but I'll never talk to either of them.
I'm alone in this world. I have a friend I call in Ohio and one in Scotland.
I hear from my daughter once in a while. But, my brother lives in
England.........my kids are in Florida.....and I don't hear from the rest of my family.
Never knew my father, and my mother and sister have both died in the past 2
years..........as did a very dear friend of mine.
what do I do now? How do I live? Where do I find hope?? Where is it that my
thoughts and heart call home?SHE was "HOME" to me. She took that and gave it
to someone else. HE took it for his own. I feel orphaned.
Sixteen years, I have watched my life fade into nothingness. All I've
written to my mother has been scattered to the wind. I no longer exist in this
world. A living ghost, if you will. I have no future, no past..........just this
empty present. If I died, a couple of people who say "thats too bad" but no
one's life would be turned upside down because of it. But, perhaps the pain
would go away for me. I'm not that concerned about my current appeal in federal
court. In fact I'd rather die than be sentenced to "life in prison"
Why would I want to extend my heartache and pain? My kids are all grown
up...........in their twenties now. My family have forgotten about me. The rest
are dead.My best friend is no longer someone I like.....My girl gave herself
to someone else. And I am supposed to FEAR death? I WELCOME an end to this.
An Ohio Death Row inmate.
