Uncensored From Texas D.R- by Richard Cartwright

[CCADP]

UNCENSORED FROM TEXAS DEATH ROW by Richard Cartwright April 13, 2005


Richard Cartwright EXECUTION DATE SET for May 19, 2005



When I started writing this Uncensored, I said I would speak my mind and
share my feelings with you. Well, now it is coming close to my end,
possibly. I'm in a mood of melancholy and just want to speak out. Vent my
hurt, anger and frustrations at this time. You want uncensored, uncensored
is what you get.

As most of you know who follow my site, I have at this time 37 days left to
live and it is playing havoc with my mind.

I had a visit from my ex-wife on the 5th of last week and she seems to think
it would be better for all parties involved if my daughter, Ricki, did not
see me anymore.

WOW! What the F&%$!!! How does one respond to that? What can I say?

My situation, which Ricki is well informed on, has effected her behaviors n
school and at home. My love, my strength, my everything, my lil Angel,
Daddy's lil Girl is being effected in the extreme due to me.

The guilt I feel, the shame...Needless to say, I did not have much to say to
the ex. I could only sit there in utter shock and hurt at the news. I wanted
to cuss, scream, shout, but I just sat there and said nothing.

What can I say? Did I really think Ricki was too young to truly understand
what is going on?

Man, truth be told, I though yes, she is too young and I was in County Jail
before she was even born. I figured maybe since I was never truly there for
her when she needed me (i.e. being potty trained, taking her first steps,
riding her first bike, blowing out the candle on her first birthday and the
list is endless..).

I've tried to be as close as I can to her, drawing her pictures of who and
what was "cool" to her at the time.Pooh Bear, Nemo, now it is Barbie
Dolls..writing her letters..but none of it is sufficient, none of it takes
away what is going on with her right now.

My daughter is in pain because of me. What can I say to an 8 year old girl
to make her understand? I'm a broken man at this point and I hate myself for
the pain I cause and am causing my baby. Nothing I can do can change or take
away the pain from my baby's eyes.

At first I wanted to lash out at her mother. How dare she keep my baby away
from me when I need her most.

Read that last line again. When I need her most? Selfish to the end, no?

As I write, tears flow. How can they, no? I'm not ashamed of my tears, they
are real. They let me know I 'm still human in some way.

What will I leave in the wake of my death for my lil girl? How will this
effect the rest of her life? What can I possibly do to help her?

As I write this, my hurt and pain consume me.my guilt for what my daughter
is going through drains me.

When I had my visit with my mom and Suzanne a few weeks ago, Suzanne wrote a
little something about how much Ricki does grasp of the situation. I still
did not realize it at the time. In my selfishness, I put my own feeling
ahead of what is best for my daughter. Or did I?

I want to blame this on the exes meanness, but I do not think I can at this
time. So now where am I? Facing what I have been facing all along, but
without being able to lose myself in my daughters laughter for 2 hours a
week? Do I deserve time with my daughter?

I have often heard and agreed with the saying that anyone can father a child
but few are man enough to be daddies! I fathered a daughter, a beautiful and
loving child, but what kind of daddy have I been?

No kind of daddy!! There is a new man in my ex's life and one who Ricki
calls daddy. Maybe one who deserves the title. I'm not there to decide.

Too much pain, too much anguish. I'm lost in my inner thoughts. I'm lost in
an emotional wake that threatened to overcome my sanity. I feel absolutely
pathetic at the moment.

Am I just feeling sorry for myself, not really. I'm just facing the
realities of the situation and for some damn reason, my damn ass has decided
to share these realities with anyone who gives a good damn about it.

Do I want sympathy? Hell no. I just want to speak. I just want to be heard.
I just want to vent.

Do you care? Maybe you believe I deserve all this pain and sorrow and maybe
you are right. Believe me when I say I am just scratching the surface with
the facts reviled in the past few paragraphs.

My personal relationships are crumbling around me and there is no one at
fault but myself.

Am I breaking under pressure. No f*cking doubt about it! What can I do to
stop it? Is it time to get physical again? Man I hope that is not what it
take. I just want to feel human compassion, love, hope..is that too much to
ask for? Damn, it sure seems like it.

sh*t, let me move on to something else for the time.

Well, Suzanne's computer is being attacked and hacked as of late. Now, one
of my latest Uncensoreds seems to be lost amongst the mail.

I have been using Uncensored to vent my frustrations and aggravations. Now
my Uncensored is starting to become just another frustration as these people
lose my mail.

I will make this promise in writing to myself as well as all who read my
writing, ramblings and insites. If I can no longer trust my Uncensored to
vent myself, I will go the other route. I do not want to do this at all. It
will mess up all my special visits towards the end, but I refuse to let my
writing become just another thorn in my side.

This right here is how I coupe with this sh*t, my writing!! If they no
longer grant me the release I need, I will not hesitate to release my
torment in another fashion. Physical pain granted to me by way of us of
forces does release some tension for sure.

I have recently talked to some people here at Polunsky Unit in power and
have told them of what is going on. Now it is just a matter of time to see
if anything gets done about it.

I really and truly do try to keep my writing honest and true about this
place they call Texas Death Row. I do not attempt to make up lies and push
rumors to better my cause. I do not feel I have to lie to expose the utter
inhumane treatment death row is in and of itself.

Granted everything I write is as seen through my eyes and my eyes alone. I
will not try to deny that, but I speak the truth of my heart as I write. I
do not wish to ruin my credibility by spreading false rumors and flat out
lies. I try to keep it real with y'all. I try to get across the realities of
the row and the effects it has not only on the men here on the row, but
their families as well.

I promise y'all this. If I cannot get my frustrations out and about through
Uncensored, I will get my release in a more physical way by fading the
Polunsky Unit Goon Squad on a daily basis, that is a promise. On my word I
say this!! If they refuse to let me vent mentally, I will vent by physical
confrontations.

T.C. Investigators...Tina Church, wow, what a woman! I sit here and listen
to people talk here on death watch about Tina this and Tina that! Tina is
rock solid.

Tina got me a new attorney. Tina found out this or that!

Tina Church, who does her work for the men on the row out of the kindness of
her heart. Tina Church the avenging Angel of the row. Tina Church, what a
woman, not just a woman, a helluva investigator. She is a lot of men's last
hope here on the row and she fights with the same tenacity as a Pit-Bull on
a tire. She does not know the meaning of the word quit or defeat.

Tina, you are not only my angel, but the angel to many here on the row. I
just wanted to send you my personal thanks for all your efforts on my
behalf.

To the people out there reading this who have loved ones on the row, Tina is
a person you need to contact. She has a heart of gold and works pro-bono
when she can towards the end, but to hire her in the beginning is a much
better idea. To hire her and her people to find out the facts and the B.S.
while they can still be brought up in court would be a very good idea. Her
skills and the skills of her people are severely limited at the latter point
of the "game"! Without Tina, so many more men would be put in their grave,
quietly and without a fight.

Thank you for caring Tina.

I'm at my wit's end at the moment so I will put this in the mail in hopes
that it reaches it's destination and will be published for viewing.

Please stay strong and focused out there and fight the good fight. May God
bless you all and keep you safe.

[CCADP]

PART 2 -

Well, I though I was finished for the day, but that is not the case. I kinda
got caught up in my own world of dilemmas and selfishly forgot about others
here on the row.

Doug Roberts and Milton Mathis have 6 days and a wake-up left to live! Wow!
It seems surreal.

I spent my hour of outside recreation (Yeah, right.outside recreation is
just another cage with 40 foot plus high walls on all sides and bars across
the top. You see nothing but thick cement walls.). Anyway, Milton and I
talked about everything from last meals to moms, about our daughters, God
and what was going to be for lunch today!

Milton's daughter is six years old. We share a lot of the same struggles.

As a matter of fact, the last time I was out on a Saturday visit with my mom
and daughter, Milton was out there on a visit with his mom and daughter.
They sat across from us and it was like watching myself and my family in a
mirror as I observed them. We caught each other's eye and waved and carried
on with our visit.

See my situation is not all that unique here on the row. I'm just lucky
enough to have people who are willing to help me get my story out to the
free-world.

Will that be enough to save my life. No, most likely it will not, but maybe,
just maybe, my writings will give people an up close and personal look at
the death penalty. The faces, family and tears. The struggles, the good ties
with friends past and friends in the future.

Milton and I even talked about the infamous Tina Church who without her,
Milton would have absolutely ZERO chance of surviving his date with death.
His chances will aren't great but they are there and that is what he is
holding onto.

I know I am skipping around with my mumblings, but that happens sometimes
when I get caught up in the "moment". Anyway...

It is weird as I get closer to my date the mail I receive has dropped off
tremendously. Is it due to the fact I have not had the stamps to respond to
most of my mail? Or is it people slowly distancing their self from me as I
get closer to my Humane Murder Date?

Can I blame them? Absolutely not! Live is for the living. Who needs to walk
the past of death with me to remind them that death is very real and close
at hand?

I've said it once and I'll say it again. TOMARROW IS PROMISED TO NO ONE!!

At least I have the chance to make things right before I move on, he?

Think about that. You out there, when you left for work this morning, did
you and someone you love have hard words, hurtful words? Did you take the
time to at least read five minutes of your bible? Kiss your sons and
daughters good bye?

Death is just a car accident away from all of us. We as a society take all
the little things for granted.

Want to hear something funny? One of the things I miss most is the feel of
grass on my bare feet! HA!AH!HA!HA!HA! I mean such a small thing but I long
for it.

When was the last time you stopped to watch a sunrise or sunset?

See, I told you all at the beginning of these ramblings that I was in that
melancholy mood, no? You should have stopped reading then!!!

Well, I was just informed that there will be no mail handed out tonight!
Damn!!

Why so blue you ask? For one, I receive no bills in my mail! HA!HAH!HAHA!
Mail is and always has been the highlight of everyday in prison. Mail call
is what we live for! I know it seems pathetic and sad but it is the truth.

The "rumor" I heard is that someone sent a dangerous, or at least a
suspicious "substance" through the mailroom from the outside world to cause
a scare! It is probably baby powder or something stupid like that. I'm not
really surprised as much as the mailroom ladies here at Polunsky Unit screw
over EVERYONE'S mail all the time.

Like a lot of people who work here, to them, we are the scum of the earth
and deserve nothing but bread and water, and that only twice a week. I know
I sound like I am stretching the truth, but that is the truth. Not everyone,
but a damn big chunk of the workers here.

It is so very hard to get even the smallest of things done around here.
Hell, I have been on Level One since the first week of March and as of
today, I have still not been able to buy a hot pot, you know, so I can make
a hot cup of coffee. Maybe heat some of this commissary food on my shelf.
For a month..over a month, I have been trying to buy this hot pot.

Who cares? Surely not commissary or the property room. See anytime we buy
electronic items from commissary, hot pot, radio, type writer.they must be
approved.

So here I sit waiting, and when I ask people about it, they tell me to stop
crying about it. I guess they never had the pleasure of chewing on a
spoonful of coffee to wake up in the morning. Have you?

One must pick and chose the battles he fights around here and this is one I
have chosen to let run its course. Knowing the sick humor involved here a
Polunsky, it will probably be delivered to me the day of my execution!
HA!HAH!HA!BOOHOO!BOOHOO! Damn, I can't seem to stay on any subject matter
here.

Alright, this time I really am done for the day. No, I mean it.

Y'all, keep it real out there and I will do my best to do the same in here.

Richard M. Cartwright
999224
Polunsky Unit
3872 F.M. 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351




E-mail Richard Cartwright at [e-mail]. Be sure to include your
mailing address because inmates don't have access to the internet.

Visit Richards page at www.ccadp.org/richardcartwright.htm

[CCADP]

April 15, 2005

It is right now 1:33 p.m. and I just finished having my special visit (2
days of 4 hours) with my loving mother.

Wow, what a difference she makes. The first day we laughed so hard we cried
and today we cried so hard we laughed!

It's so very hard to put into words about how I feel.how am I supposed to
feel? Actually, I feel like I can take on the world right now.

It was an amazing visit and we covered everything from the day I was born to
planning what will be done if I'm to be murdered on the 19th of next month.
The emotions ran wild but we tried our best to keep them under control.

Some people are too proud to shed tears. I'm am not one to cry, but I will
say when the tears flow from my mom's eyes , I can't control my own
emotions, nor do I want to!

I know after today's visit, I feel like the weight of the world has been
lifted off my shoulders, but at the same time, I see the weight of my
situation on my mother's shoulders and it breaks my heart.

I asked my mom's permission to take an exert out of one of her most recent
letters and post it on my site. Of course my mom said, and I quote, sorry
Mom, I quote "if me posing naked for a calendar or walking down the street
naked with a sign saying 'please don't kill my son', would help, I would do
it. It might scare some people, but I would do it." So I guess that that
means I can use a few lines from one of her letters, eh? Well here it
goes...

"Rich, I cried myself to sleep, bug huge tears and sobs last night. My
heart is breaking too. I asked God to forgive me for being so weak and
asked him to carry me through the night, just like the 'Footprints' poem. I
told him I would be stronger today, but last night I needed him to carry me
and my burden. I told him I know that I should be grateful for my loving
son and all the things I have in my life, but last night I only felt the
pain you are feeling and the sense of loss and unfairness."

How do I respond to that? What can I say? I was speechless as I read this.
I was heartbroken at her pain and sadness. I would have given anything to
have been able to hold my mom in my arms at that time and tell her
everything will be alright.

Can't do that, not even at our visits. No physical contact with anyone
unless it is violent physical contact i.e. the Goon squad!!! Why can't I
give my mom a hug at visit. What harm could come of that? It could do a
world of good but it is not allowed in Texas Death Row. It is allowed at
many other death rows in the U.S. but Texas does not deem it of any
consequence. Just sit in your f*cking cage 23 hours a day and wait to die
scum!!!

Ok, here I go chasing my tail once again..back to the 8 hours visits my
mother and I shared. It breathed a new life into me, it brought me peace,
can all mother's do this? I don't thinks so, but I know mine can.

Thank you so much for being you, Mom. You truly are my Sunshine! Keep
shining bright!!!

This month has already been an emotional roller coaster of overwhelming
proportions. Ups and downs, and some sideways sh*t too! Believe me when I
tell you that there is so much more going on, but everything, all the
problems and obstacles pale to what I'm going through with Ricki Marie.
That is the.it is the hardest thing I've ever had to face. To watch as my
lil girl's innocence is being stripped from her eyes and because of me,
because of death row.

Now I must..what? I do not even know at this point. What does one say to
an 8 year old girl to explain this mess? "Your daddy's sick?" "Daddy is
going to heaven?" Daddy will die because he is a bad bad man?" "Daddy is
going to hell?" "Daddy is perfectly healthy but he must die anyway?" It is
far to obvious that she does understand more than any of us has give her
credit for.

I do not write this to have people feel sorry for me. Please do not think
that. I need no pity, nor sympathy. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW, WHETHER
YOU HAT ME OR NOT, WHETHER YOU BELIEVE ME TO BE GUILTY OR NOT, THE DEATH
PENALTY HURTS INNOCENT PEOPLE. THE DEATH PENALTY IS MAKING A VICTIM OUT OF
MY 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN THE NAME OF VICTIM'S RIGHTS!!!!!!!

How f*cking crazy and insane it that? Can anyone tell me the above
statement is not true? Does innocence or guilt even play a part in the
statement? It should not. This is about human life! Innocent human life!

[CCADP]

Hate me, call me inhuman! Call me a cold blooded heartless killer,
whatever, you feel you need to say to make you feel better, but open your
self-righteous eyes to the truth of what the death penalty is!

It is REVENGE!!! Nothing more nothing less, revenge disguised as justice.
You killed someone, that is wrong, so we will kill you to make you pay!
Spending the rest of one's natural life behind these cold steel bars and
putting up with the conditions in here is not punishment enough?

Ok, here is another idea. If you agree with the death penalty and it goes
to court and the jury finds you guilty, then hand a freaking gun to a member
of the victim's family and let them blow the defendant's brains out.

Hell, the Texas judicial system's appeal process is such a freaking joke
that it would be far easier to just do away with it. Any state or court who
knows a man's attorney slept during trial and said that is not grounds for a
filling of Insufficient Counsel.what's the point of the appeals then? There
is none, it is farce, a dog and pony show at the most. It has never worked,
oh wait, once in awhile a condemned man will get lucky enough to get an OUT
OF STATE LAW FIRM to help him and set him free. Like Ernest Willis who
after, what, 18 years and a law firm who spent $5.5 million in man hours to
prove his innocence.

5.5 million dollars.so that is the price of TRUE JUSTICE in Texas! sh*t,
I'm a dead man for sure, unless anyone reading this has a handy 5 mill you
don't mind getting off of! NO? Hell me either! So much for proving my
innocence, eh?

A lot less needless suffering for my family and if you want death to be the
punishment, you should be willing to carry out the sentence yourself. If
you call for blood justice, get up close and personal with it. Don't come
to the Walls Unit and stare at someone through a piece of glass; that is not
enough satisfaction, is it? Just calling a spade a spade.

Oh, does this offend you? Yes, I'm sure the State of Texas' us of lethal
injection is sooo much prettier, so much more humane to inject drugs into
one's body to turn their insides into mush. Yes, no blood involved there.
"JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE" is what the death certificate reads. Very neat, very
clean. Death is death and taking a life is taking a life.

Because the government of Texas is taking mine in the name of justice does
not make it right. It is actually premeditated murder if you really stop to
think about it.

Alright, it is time again for this to come to an end. I have a lot of mail
to answer and finally have some stamps, too, at least enough to last me
through the weekend.

Thank you all one again for tuning in and reading my writings. I would love
to hear all feedback, good and bad. I know not everyone doesn't agree with
me...wait, I do have on more thing to add.

This is to answer you, "Scorp"! You wrote and said that you are 100% in
favor of the death penalty and I really have no choice but to respect that.

You also stated that your 100% in favor of it NOT being used on people who
are "truly" innocent. To err is human, no? Only God is perfect in His
judgment.

You asked a good question. You asked why did I wait until the last minute
to cry foul, or to ask for help. Well, "Scorp", I was under the impression
my lawyers were doing all they could to represent me and save my life. I
was ignorant to the law and still am to a large degree. I have had other
more apt prisoners point me in the right direction after a few years of
being incarcerated.

I actually started to try and help save my own life back in and around
2002-2003 and have letters to prove I wrote my attorneys and asked them to
please file this and that and of course they not once ever did.

I do not know how to file pro-se so when I wrote the courts and tried to
present matters I thought very relevant into proving my innocence (I never
claimed total and complete innocence in this matter by the way, but my fall
partner in his own handwriting admitted to killing the victim.)

So these last minute efforts are all I got and that is why I'm just trying
to get some kind of attention.

Truly and in all honesty, it is too late, Scarp, and most likely I will be
murdered May 19, but someone reading this will read it in time to help
someone else on the row.

The things that are being tried to save my life now should have been brought
into evidence before my case reached federal court but because of
incompetent attorneys, they were not brought in and now the courts are
saying all these points are procedurally barred, period!!

You also mentioned this is my side of the story. That is so very true, but
everything I put on my site about my case can be found in the trial
transcripts, for it to be otherwise would not hold any water.

You also mentioned IK don't want to know that an innocent person has been
put to death. Hell, neither does the State of Texas and that is why they
are so afraid of a temporary, notice the word "temporary", stay of all
executions to investigate the system in place from an out of state agency!
What could that hurt if they never executed an innocent man.

Scorp, don't take what I say on blind faith, but don't take what the state
says on blind faith either. Look around, investigate. What you find might
surprise you.

If you would have left me a return e-mail, I would have wrote this to you
personally. I hope you read this and hope you write to me again, soon.

I would like to add something else. I mentioned it briefly in the past, but
I will do so again on Sundays from 3-5 on K-DOL 96.1. Pastor John plays
some rock'n'roll, hip-hop, punk rock, country if they have them.

They also do "shout-outs" out to prisoners here on the row. You e-mail them
you message and they will play it over the air. It is a nice way to tell
someone you love them and get a good song to boot.

Pastor John is a pastor of a different clothe. He reaches out to the youth
with Rock and roll and any other way he can get the word of God out.

So if you got a loved one on the row, tell them to turn into 96.1, K-DOL on
Sunday and give 'em a message. It will make them feel great, trust me, I
know!

Thanks Suzanne. Thank you Jennie again for the kick as punk rock!! Y'all
made my day!

SO THIS IS MY SHOUT-OUT TO THE K-DOL CREW!! THANKS GUYS!!!

Alright, already, Suzanne, put down the lighter and stop burning my
Uncensored!! GGHHEEEESSHHH!! Temper temper!!HA!HAH!HA!

I'm done for now, and I mean it this time.

God Bless you all out there,
Richard Cartwright
999224
Polunsky Unit
3872 F.M. 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351

www.1prison.com

[CCADP]

UNCENSORED FROM TEXAS DEATH ROW by Richard Cartwright April 18 through April
20, 2005

April 18 to April 20, 2005


April 18

It is 8:44 a.m. on the 18th April as I sit down to write this. I just got
back into my concrete coffin after my daily 1 hour of recreation. I sat in
the dayroom and talked to Doug Roberts and Milton Mathis as they were
getting ready for their all-day visits. Haunted looks in their eyes,
whether they know it or not, looks that I cannot shake from my mind.

As I talk to them, others go about their daily business like nothing is
going on. I guess it is a good defense mechanism that we all use at one
time or another. I know I have, too many times, myself.

As I sit in the dayroom talking, someone hollers "Hey, Chi-Town, I got that
book you wanted to read. I'll send it in a few."

I wanted to yell back "hey a**hole, I'm not worried about no book at the
moment, don't you know what is going down?" Of course that is not fair and
it is my emotions and closeness to the situation that caused me to even have
thoughts like that running through my mind.

I'm actually really looking forward to reading the fourth and final book in
that particular series to tell the truth. Go figure, life goes on, right?
Just another day in paradise, eh?

In two more days, Doug and Milton may no longer be. As the rest of us sit
around and watch completely helpless to do anything to stop the madness or
insanity of the death march, just another couple of deaths in a long, very
long line of death handed out by Texas in the name of justice.

It is weird to sit back and just watch this all go down time and again as I
wait my turn. Some of the things that we do just strike me as.weird.

Check this out...14 days from your date with death, the "powers-to-be" tell
you you have an unlimited spend in commissary. See, we are only aloud to
spend $75 every two weeks normally. But on this last spend, you can spend
whatever you have on your account.

So people are usually spending a couple hundred dollars. They throw all
kinds of spreads..spreads are what pass as "cooking" here in prison. A few
packs of pot roast, some chili, chopped up peppers and pickles..whatever one
might deem is needed, and we have access to, to make something edible.

Well it strikes me as a little backwards that the man getting ready to die
is buying food to cook.for everybody else here on deathwatch, no? Should we
not be buying and cooking for him? It has been this way since I got down
here on February 9th and it will most likely be this way when I'm gone.

Of course, I will hold with "tradition" when my turn comes, for no other
reason than..hell.just because that is the way it is.

Truth is I cannot take my food or anything else with me right? HA!HAH!HAH!
Last Will and Testament."P.S. Please burry me with my radio and commissary,
just in case". Yeah, ok, right on!

Now, please do not think "Oh, he is giving up". No, that is not the case.
I'm just speaking in relative terms. Whether the words "when I'm gone"
means they kill me or I get a stay and leave death watch for another pod.
Believe me when I say the fight is not out of me, and hope is not gone, not
by a long shot.

This is not about me anyway, but about the two gentlemen who have 2, yes 2
days left to live.

[CCADP]

Dying is easy but waiting to die is a M.F.'er!! No way easy. Damn, the
anxiety and worry that goes along with the wait. I never understood the
dramatic change in people who have had a date and gone to the Walls Unit and
ate their last meal and then get a stay. They come back all twisted in so
many different ways. They are never the same, some change for the better,
some for the worse. I've witnessed both.

On person that sticks out in my mind is my very good friend Brian Davis. He
went all the way to eating his last meal and than received a stay. I've
notice dramatic changes about him since that little episode.

One, he is down and strong about his walk with God. I mean, if you'd know
him 2 years prior to his executoon and then after the change in him is
incredible. That is the good side, now I have also notice that his
personality has become somewhat more.more, not morbid..just he keeps to
himself a lot more than he ever did before. He'll get out there and laugh
and poke fun, but it takes a real effort, and is noticeable.

Well, I will close this up for now and write more later on in the week to
keep you all updated to what is going on.

Mom, just wanted to tell you I love you and our last visit has really kept
me strong and focused. Keep shining bright, Sunshine. : )

3:06 p.m. April 19, 2005...Milton Mathis just returned early from his all
day visit with new of a stay of executions. WOW!! He received his stay due
to the Atkins issue which is mental retardation. What great and blessed
news for Milton and his entire family, great new indeed.

He said when he went out to visitation, Death Row Warden Jones was waiting
to tell him the news. Instead of an all day visit, they let him have 4
hours.

Man, I'm really glad to hear about his stay. It seems if you were 17 our
younger or have a low I.Q., you can get a stay!! That is about the only way
to receive a stay here in Texas, innocence plays no part in it anymore.

Do I sound bitter. F*%$ I am bitter, but pleased, don't misunderstand. I
could not be happier for Milton and his family. Every life saved is a plus
to me. Damn good news indeed.

Please let us not forget about Doug Roberts who at this moment is still out
there for his last all day visit with his family and friends. Obviously he
has had no such new as with the Mathis clan. It looks like Texas will be
able to ad another life and his blood to grease the wheels of the Texas
Death Machine.

As I write this I hear Milton in the dayroom laughing and just kicking it
like I've not seen him do in far to long. Man it is nice to hear true
happiness and no fronting in his voice or jokes. He has a smile from ear to
ear.

Now what about Doug? What about Doug's family. What are they going through
right this moment as I write this? I do not even want to try and imagine.

I feel somewhat guilty in conscience as I celebrate Milton's stay as yet
another man is surely to be put to death tomarrow. I guess we must take
what we can get at this point and make the best of it, but it still does not
feel right.

I wish I could put Milton's good news in to play with my own case, but no
such lick. I was not a 17 year old when I was arrested for Nick's murder,
nor can I file the Atkins issue with a registered I.Q. of 147! Damn, I sure
don't feel that smart as I sit my dumb ass on the row waiting to die!
HA!HAH!HAH!HAH!

I want to be retarded too! Hell, innocence nor guilt don't even seem to
matter to this insane system of justice. Maybey, if I make a few more
grammer errors in my typing I can get a stay too!

Damn, I really feel guilty as I sit here feeling sorry for myself in light
of Milton's stay. I feel shallow and selfish.

Uncensored, right? It may get ugly but I speak my heart and that will not
change. I might not like the way I am feeling, nor am I proud of the way I
feel, nor will I lie about the way I am feeling. I guess it is true what
they say.what do they say you ask...They say you cannot know a man's true
character until he or she is placed into a situation of adversity. Anyone
can talk the big game as he or she sits on the sideline, but when on is put
dead center into the mix of things, that is when one's character or lack
their of shines through.

Right now, I feel lacking in the character department. This situation is
definitely taking it's toll on me physically and mentally. I have notices
as I look into the mirror lately I seem to have these permanent dark purple
circles under my eyes. I know they come from lack of sleep, hell, I'm
scared to f*cking sleep. I feel I might get all the sleep I can handle on
May 19th! Ha!

[CCADP]

Seriously, I find myself waking up for the nightly "restroom needs" and
being scared to fall back asleep. No sh*t! I don't really stay up to do
anything other than listen to the radio and pace my cell like a caged animal
thing, wondering, contemplating.contemplating the what ifs of my life. So
very many what ifs...What if..

Anyway, Milton's stay is another plus for our combined fight against the
death penalty here in Texas as well as in the USA!! Let us find peace and
happiness as we know his life has been spared. Focus on the positive and
forget or push aside the negative. There are so few positives as we roll up
our sleeves and fight the injustice of the death penalty that we cannot
afford to dwell on the negative but focus and draw our strength to continue
fighting on the positive.

I just took a little break to go talk to Milton and I told him not to forget
to get his bible just because he got a stay. It seems we all here on the
row "find God" on deathwatch and then when things go our way, we forget
about the grace of God. Me included, don't cha know! HA! Sometimes we
must reach our ultimate low just to pick up a bible and ask for help. Then
we receive it and forget all about God.

Please do not mistake me.yes, I am a Christian, but I fall oh so short in my
walk with the Lord. I read my bible every morning and pray every night, yet
when one of these officers comes to me sideways, I forget all I read and
pray and get dead on their ass!! So please do not think I am sitting here
in a bout of self-righteousness, 'cause I'm not. I can pray and read and I
still lose my temper at times. The difference is now I feel bad about it
and ask for forgiveness when those slips occur.

Well, it is now 3:51 p.m. and Doug will be coming back from his last all day
visit in about 50 minutes. What will his state of mind be? How will he be
feeling?

Man, watching this sh*t day in and day out is devastating to me. I try so
hard to not let what I am forced to watch steal or kill parts of me inside,
but I do not think I am being very successful. I'm not the inhumane monster
the courts would have you believe. As I sit in this F*%&ing concrete coffin
and watch man after man be lead away to his death, I cannot help but let it
effect me. What monster would I have to be to sit by and not have any side
effects of watching this happen? It has it's effects and I am glad it does.
It lets me know I am not dead inside, that I still care, that I still feel.

Listen, I have to shut this sh*t down for the day because I just want to
vegetate in the dark and let my mind go, try to stop thinking about this
place and all the death I have seen.

You people out there stay strong and remember we won one tonight. Yes, the
state will not get it's blood justice out of Milton Mathis. One for the
little people. Down with the system of mass murder.

Stay strong and keep up the fight.

8:16 p.m.-
Milton Mathis has just been moved off Death Watch! Whoohoo! One for the
Little People!! : )

April 20, 2005

It is 12 non as I stand on my rolled up mattress to pear out my window. No
sign of Doug Roberts or the death van at this point. A hundred thoughts are
going through my head but the most troubling of those thoughts are what
thoughts are going through Doug's head right now.

Once again, I contemplate the clean and efficient approach to it all. The
hand off and the inevitable execution. The hand off from the row to the
execution chamber at the Walls Unit.
I wish there could be a fumble for Doug, but no such luck from what I've
heard at this point. Fumble.as in a stay of execution.

It is 12:09 p.m. as I catch my first view of Doug heading back from
visitation, his very last visitation, if the state of Texas has it's way.
They lead him into 12 building which is where they house us condemned men.
It does not look good, for Doug is surrounded by a bunch of ranking officers
so the hand-off will be taking place.

12:11 p.m. here comes the usual group of overseers to watch to make sure
the4re is no "fumble" attempt so to say! The wardens, Major Nelson and a
few other lower ranking members.

As I stand here waiting to see Doug or the death van, I find myself trying
to put myself in Doug's shoes, then again, I think I will know soon
enough...

As the clock strikes 12:20 p.m. here comes the death van, a little late, no?
Maybe they got hungry on the way over here and needed to stop at McDonald's
for a quick bit to eat. We all got to eat, right? Nothing wrong with that.

Clean and efficient.

12:22 p.m.-
Here comes Doug to be loaded into the death van.

12:25 p.m-
The death van drives off into the sun, with Doug as it's cargo. Mathis with
a stay and Doug without. Gotta take the good with the bad, I suppose.

As we try to stay happy and celebrate Mathis's stay, it seems somewhat wrong
with another man on his way to his death. No double header for TDCJ
today!!!! As my time gets closer, I feel the pressure building up inside
me, there is no denying that.

[CCADP]

Actually, it was Warden Alford who pointed that out to me today. He called
me into his office to talk to me because he was disturbed my some things I
wrote recently. Especially about my webmaster being hacked and my "missing"
Uncensored articles. He said it was sometimes easy to become somewhat
delusional and paranoid when we are faced with such a stressful situation.
I guess he is right, because I know I have been on edge like you would not
believe lately.

I remember when I was younger I was seeing a few family counselors during my
parents divorce and was treated for depression and a delusional disorder. I
was even hospitalized a few times due to the seriousness of the delusional
disorder.

I really feel quite embarrassed sharing this all with you, but I do not want
you to think I would every mislead you or write falsehoods just for the sake
of doing it. I did in fact receive copies from my "missing" articles from
Suzanne just last night. At least I think it was all of them!

I guess I never though that every aspect of my life would come under
scrutiny due to my writings, eh? So I do apologize to all of you out there
for jumping the gun with the "missing" articles, at least I do not think
there are any missing, f*ck who knows now!! AARRCCHH!!!!

Are my delusions, delusions, or truth. Hell, I'm starting to confuse myself
so I will move on. I wish I could make myself believe Doug Roberts was not
just loaded into the death van and on his way to the Walls Unit to be
humanely murdered in the name of justice!!!

Who has the right to decide a man's death other than God and I quote:

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I
have come that they may have life, and that they may have it abundantly."

Can anyone guess who this quote was made by? That is correct, by Jesus
Christ himself in the book of John 10:10. So please do not hide behind the
book of God to justify the death penalty with the "eye for an eye" quote in
the OLD testament.

Let's go with the "May he who has not sinned cast the first stone". How
about "No sin is greater than another all sins are equal and we all fall
short."

The death penalty is all about revenge and there is no argument that can
point out that it is not. Nothing but revenge, nothing but blood to wash
away blood, that does not even make sense. I think maybe I am not the only
one with a delusional disorder, eh.

I guess we can all choose what bible verses we read to justify our views,
eh? We can perverse any words to mean what we want them to mean.

If Jesus was to walk this earth again today, there is no doubt in my mind
that we, as a society, would crucify him again.

I'm out of gas and I am emotionally drained and must end my rantings and
ravings here.

Once again thank you to all you out there who care enough to tune in and
listen to my thoughts. If not for the overabundance of supportive letters
and e-mails, I most likely would have stopped Uncensored and crawled into a
hole somewhere and just faded away. I stay strong because you stay strong
for me. I stay positive because you stay positive. I stay hopeful, because
you stay hopeful. Who knows what is in store for me in the future however,
long or short it may be, just remember there are so many other men and women
on death row who need an ear to speak to help them get the help they may
need, legal or otherwise.

For those of you who already write to someone on death row, I can once again
give you a small word of advise. As your loved one is going through this
kangaroo type appeals process, the attorneys at every level are given money
to represent their clients and are also supposed to ask for money for
investigative purposes, some do, but never hire an investigator or they
pretend to hire one and they wheel and deal.

Get a hold of T.C. Investigators in Indiana. The money for their services
does <u>not come out of your pocket</u>. I do not say this for some kind of
kick back. I say this because I know this is a top notch firm and they put
their hearts into their work. Hell, ask Milton Mathis and his family!!!
Once prisoners get into the federal court they can no longer bring up issues
that their prior attorneys did not find or bring up. Believe me I know this
first hand as I realize everything being uncovered, I'm procedurally barred
from using. After all, Texas states that a defendant is only guaranteed
competent counsel at the trial level and after that they are just guaranteed
counsel, nothing more, just a f*cking body in a suit to stamp his or her
name to a writ your attorney' past have already filed and said lawyer get
paid 5 figure salaries for this bullsh*t!

Here I go rambling on again. I'm out of here.

Richard Cartwright
999224
Polunsky Unit
3872 F.M. 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351

Please check out ccadp.org/ronhowardsr.htm Ronald Howard, Sr.'s
webpage scheduled to be murdered by the State of Texas on October 6, 2005

[CCADP]

UNCENSORED FROM TEXAS DEATH ROW by Richard Cartwright April 26, 2005


Richard Cartwright EXECUTION DATE SET for May 19, 2005



Another day in paradise! How are y'all doing out there in the free-world?

For all those who are keeping track, I have 22 days and a wake-up to go for
my turn to feed the wheels of blood justice here in Texas.

Really, that is not what has motivated me to sit down and write
today...Today, Lonnie Pursley is the reason I feel the need to "vent".
Lonnie is down to six days and a wake-up and he will grease the wheels of
the blood justice machine. The machine must be fed, no?

Damn, I remember when Lonnie first drove up to the row. We were neighbors. I
used to kick his ass on a daily basis at handball; of course if you ask him
about this, I am almost positive he would remember it the other way around.
Hey, we have no video type so we can both tell as many lies as we need to
about this debate! HA!AH!HAH!HA!HAH!HA!

Lonnie and I have been neighbors here on death watch for the last couple of
months. As a matter of fact Lonnie and I are the only men on 2 row
presently.

I have become closer to Lonnie in these past few months than I ever was
before with him. We just have not been around each other that much since the
row was moved from Ellis to Polunsky Unit.

I'm glad I'm living next to him and can give him and ear to speak to when he
needs it, and he has been there to help me work through some of my own
trials as we both watch death looming ever closer with her greedy hands.

Lonnie Pursley is a character and his true character has shown through as he
faces his up and coming date with death. He struggles to write his last
minute letter4s and getting ready for his all day visits.

As with most men here who are facing death, Lonnie is more worried about his
family and friends than anything else. He has a beautiful and caring
daughter who has been visiting him every week as his date gets closer.

He has been holding onto his sanity with the fact that he has a special
visit with a very special woman, Pam, tomorrow. He keeps saying, "Chi-Town,
right now I'm not even focused on my date, but with my visit with Pam. I
can't wait to look into her eyes." Once again a man lucky enough to have
loved ones to help him and give him strength through this terribly hard and
emotional time.

What happens after Wednesday's visit, tho'? What holds him together, what
will he use to distract his mind from death?

Hopefully me, hopefully whatever it takes for him to get through this. He
will have all day visits with family on the 29th and the 2nds, than his 4
hours on his last day. Hopefully that will be enough.

[CCADP]

Maybe that will be too much? Who can tell what effect that will have on him
or anyone else going through this bullsh*t. It is every bit as hard on our
families as it is on us in her facing death.

Which leads me to another topic I would like to discuss..

Please read this TDCJ Victim Services Division online brochure.

Now as you may or may not have noticed as you read all the counseling.made
available for the victim's family, not once does the State of Texas or TDCJ
offer the slightest help or counseling for the condemned man's family. Once
again proving this is not about justice, but cold-hearted revenge.

How can anyone with half a freaking brain not see this as a fact. I mean
what on earth did my mother, father, daughter, ex-wife, cousins, friends.all
who will be there for me every step of the way, what did they do so bad that
they are treated like criminals too.

After the execution, they are out the viewing chamber into the waiting media
crowd to be media fodder. I hope you sick sumbitches get your jollies off
watching my grieving and crying loved ones exit the Walls Unit!

Why are they not treated and counseled as victims? Are they not also losing
a loved one?

As I sit here and reread this sh*t, it got me so f*cking hot under the
collar, I want to just scream!

HA! Well, I just screamed! HA!HAH!HA! No one pays no mind to the insane
screams around here.that is until you down to you last 7 days of life, than
they check on you in your cell every ½ hour to make sure you do not kill
yourself before they take you to the Walls Unit for their revenge murder,
eh?

All of a sudden, they give a damn about you committing suicide? How f*cked
up is that?

I'm sorry about all the cussing but when I get over emotional, I cuss to
express myself so please forgive me. I have really been trying hard not to
cuss lately but I'm not doing so good at the moment, eh?

[CCADP]

Heck, where was I before I got to this..oh yeah, my family and friends get
no chance to even collect their tears before being thrust out into the media
circus. Man that really pisses me off. Talk about discrimination, eh?

How does TDCJ justify offering all this counseling to the victim's family,
but not the condemned man's family? That is not revenge? What is it? I ask
again how can they justify this act of obvious discrimination towards my
family? Are they trying to make sure my family and friends do not feel
comfortable coming to offer me support as I'm strapped down to a butchers
block to be humanely murdered.

Honestly, I do not want any family or friends their but they have made it
perfectly clear that it is their choice and wishes to be there for me. I can
make it so they won't be there, but I would never ever do that.

I asked Suzanne to be there (and I will be there, Rich) for everything to
write down how it goes and what she feels through it all, as I will ask my
mother and anyone else who views my humane murder.

[CCADP]

I will also be enclosing an article about the human killing procedure but
know this, there is NOT and never has been a monitoring of the anesthesia
used to insure no pain to the humanely murdered man.

Also, the fact that veterinaries nation wide have agreed that lethal
injection does not meet with standards for putting down animals, but the
rest of society sees it as a humane way to murder.

I think I would rather face a firing squad or something nice and fast. At
least I could look into the eyes of the men there to shoot me and I could
die on my feet instead of strapped to a freaking table in some faux
crucifixion position.

My pain and suffering solely depends on the non-medical person who controls
the liquid death that flows through my veins, here in Texas that thought is
not too comforting, eh?

Maybe, people better start paying for autopsies to see how humanly Texas
justice really is. I mean they give you a drug that makes you paralyzed so
you could not show pain even if it I was there I mean they could be sittin'
back there laughing their collective asses off and from what I've seen of
Texas justice, I would be willing to bet more often than not these
self-righteous bastards will not give someone the proper dosages of
anesthesia.

They already control the God-Like power of life and death, no? What makes
you think they would not want to play torture, also?

Am I being paranoid? Hell, if so, I believe I have every right to be. Wait
'til you all read this article about the facts that have been found in other
autopsies down in other states of prisoners after they have been executed.
Just another on of many of Texas' dirty little secrets, eh?

[CCADP]

Well, go ahead and read this article and remember this is factual writings
that if researched closer will give you the names and dates of the condemned
men and their autopsy reports:

Click here for the MSNBC.com "Lethal Injection 'Cruel,' Researchers say"
article.

Well, I better go ahead and close this one down here before Suzanne asks for
a raise. Hell, she ain't got a dime yet. Matter of fact, when she came to
visit me this past Saturday, she spent money on feeding my sorry ass!

Thank you Suz "Q". I had a great visit. Sorry I was little nonresponsive,
kinda had the blue funk going with all the "great" news!

Alright, y'all, I will close this one as I opened in hopes that you can put
a personality and emotions with this condemned man and maybe, just maybe see
that just because a person is on death row does not make him/her the vicious
cold blooded monster the state would have you believe.

Please, keep my family, friends, all the men and women on the row, their
families, along with the families of the victims in your prayers.

In Struggle and Hope
I remain as ever.
Richard M. Cartwright
999224
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351

By Clinton Young, 999447

"Greetings to all! Well, today is April 22nd, 2005 and no one has killed
themselves around me this month. So all is going as good as it can.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a few lines in concern of something that a
pen-pal wrote to me. It goes as follows:

'When, I first started writing to you, I remember telling you I was against
the death penalty, mainly because innocent lives are taken.

However, since looking into life on death row and reading Uncensored, which
Mr. Cartwright writes so very well! I have seen what REALLY goes on and it
is just so terribly degrading and torturous, I wouldn't put anyone on death
row. No person should be treated in such a manner. Not even a guilty one.

I know it wasn't easy going in there, but sh*t, I am so disgusted! It's just
so sad that some countries and states have yet to move into the 21st
century.'

If anyone remembers my last article I wrote, I wrote about not giving up and
I wrote a little story about a little girl saving the starfish.

Suzanne is like the little girl saving the starfish! Thanks to her help and
Richard's full expression of thoughts and feelings, people are starting to
see this Murder machine for what it is.

I did not even tell my pen-pal about Uncensored! She read and found it on
her own, as I had no influence in it.

[CCADP]

It made me smile when I read that part of her letter.

'Use the pain to fuel the fire!'

Suzanne, I greatly appreciate all that you are doing. You are making a
difference.

I know you got the hardest job. Just keep doing all that you are. Use the
pain to fuel the fire that burns inside of you.

A lot of people deal with pain in different ways. It makes some fight harder
and others run.

'Nothing begins and nothing ends that is not paid with moan; for we are born
in other's pain and perish in our own.'-Francis Thompson

It seems crazy to some that one would voluntarily put themselves in a
position to go through mental, emotional, and even financial pain for the so
called least of the earth, 'Condemned Prisoner!' Just as Suzanne has done.
Though as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, 'The true measure of a man is not
where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands
in times of challenge and controversy.' In this case it applies to the true
measure of a strong willed woman!

The question is where will those whom are undecided stand?

To sit by and do nothing is to assist and encourage the injustice to
continue, only to manifest itself into something worse.

Where will you, the undecided reader, stand in this battle to save a life
and end the oppression?

Can you endure the fight in this seemingly never ending war against the
Murder machine?

Yes you can!

As an individual you possess a greatness that is second to none. Many people
in today's age and time never truly find this greatness that resides in each
of us. Mainly due to us never fully opening our mind. We get pulled into the
cultural wave of society and become dependant on others.

So I am asking you to detach from the ocean of life as a whole and to look
at yourself as a single wave rolling along. As a single wave you help make
up the ocean. Without you the ocean looses it's volume. So I need you to
join the struggle so that you can stand beside us, fight beside us and help
us to overcome the challenge. In order to save lives and end the
psychological, emotional, mental, social and physical suffering caused by
the conditions of Texas Death Row!

Without you, we can do nothing! Without you, our voice is mute! Without you,
our hands are bound! Without you, the suffering will continue.

We need you with all your greatness to help make a difference! Let us be
realist, let us insist on the impossible.

[CCADP]

If you never cross the river, then how do you know what is on the other
side? If you never climb the mountain, how do you know what paradise of
wonders lay in the Valley below?

If you never join the struggle, then how do you know if you can make a
difference?

There is only one way for you to make a difference. That is to face the odds
and fight for what you feel is right and believe in!

If we do not have something we are willing to fight for, then what do we
have to live for?

What better to fight for then life and humane treatment?

The Clock is Ticking!

Clinton L. Young #999447
Polunsky Unit-Death Row
3872 FM 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351"

From Suzanne:

As most of you know, I visited with Rich on 04/23/2005, Saturday, at which
time he had 26 days left before his scheduled execution.

We had a good visit. He was in good spirits, considering. He said that if it
wasn't for the support through everyone reading his Uncensored, the e-mails,
letters, "Shout-Outs", etc., he wouldn't be fighting like he is.

We laughed a bit about different things. Can you believe at 17, he knew he
could put water in a container to expand it back into shape? Damn, he's a
smart man. The story behind that is too funny.

We also laughed about Trey and Jesse destroying my house and Jesse getting
mentholatum all in his hair, in turn, all over me.

Of course we talked about Ricki Marie, how he wishes he could do more for
her, be there for her and what she must be going through.

Rich has talked about being selfish in his Uncensoreds in wanting to see
her.

It's not selfish. Daddies are supposed to want to see their children, spend
time with them. If he didn't want to see her, then something would be wrong
with that!

I was thankful that she was able to see her Daddy Saturday, and her "Shout
Out" was way too awesome.

Another thing we talked about is the continuing of Uncensored no matter what
happens to Rich. And yes, Uncensored will continue.

Rich is a good man. He doesn't deserve to be going through the hell he's
living right now. It's a shame that Texas is about to execute him, knowing
this letter, one of the exhibits in his trial, exists from another man
confessing to the murder.

Juries have been wrong before, otherwise, we wouldn't have to appeal process
for jury trials which isn't perfect either.

The Death Penalty is just wrong!

Before I forget, I need to mention a few things.

A couple of weeks ago I received some e mail from someone stating that her
name is "Michelle". She said she had proof of Rich being a liar among other
things. Well, I looked over what she sent and she doesn't have anything but
attempts to make a bad name for Rich.

She's also a few things if forums and in one of Rich's guest books. In the
said guest book, she claims she is from Minnesota which would look like it
is Missy, one of Rich's dear friends. Before anyone questions that, I'll
tell you right now that it is not Missy.

Also, I'm adding a guest book located at www.myspace.com/sclcookie to
this site. Well, not really a guest book, but something a bit more fun using
Myspace.com. That way in order for you to post comments, you have to be a
myspace.com member. Also, the deal is, if you're allowed to post comments in
my "myspace", than I'm allowed to post comments in your "myspace",
otherwise, I'll delete your comments. If your not familiar with it, it won't
take long to figure the site out.

Another reason I chose to use myspace.com rather than a typical guest book
is because the Death Penalty is an emotional subject, and all of us can use
something to lighten up the situation, and myspace.com has various bands
trying to promote their music, various groups, etc.

Take care y'all!