|
Post by Maggie on Jul 28, 2006 7:21:26 GMT -5
Hi Donna, I know what you mean. The experience and friendship is very rewarding. Glad to hear about your friend in Nevada
|
|
|
Post by legallybrunette on Aug 1, 2006 8:24:50 GMT -5
Hi, I have been accessing this site for some years now and commenced a penpal friendship with someone on DR as a consequence of information posted by inmates on this site. However, I am entirely new to chat room participation. I am feeling rather demoralised as a result of my recent experiences with a longstanding friend on DR ; his correspondence with me has always been refreshing and amusing and we make each other laugh at our silly antics from time to time. However, in the course of our 4-5 year correspondence, he has become increasingly 'clingy' and very quickly moved on to romantic talk which I tried to gently let him down on. He is aware that i am married with a family and yet he builds these dreams up about a life with me in the future, I appreciate that dreams are all he has to keep his spirits up but it is increasingly difficult for me to ignore the total lack of reality in his letters. Furthermore, of greater disappointment has been his increasing request for funds. He began by asking me to fund the occasional CD he wanted to hear as I had mentioned it and gradually that moved on to regular art books he wanted ordered. Then he insisted I make contact with his mother who is a sweetie but as pushy as him about my keeping the funding going. I am beginning to wonder whether they imagine I sit here in the UK on an enormous vat of wealth!! I am a practisting lawyer and whilst I earn well, do have responsibilities to my family which are substantial. I don't mind gifting the odd thing as one would do for any friend, but the increasing demands are becoming untenable. Their latest demand amounts to some $200.00 in goods listed . Any thoughts on whether I am being unduly harsh or not, please readers??
|
|
|
Post by pollypolly on Aug 1, 2006 9:28:54 GMT -5
I know where you are coming from , I wrote to a DR inmate for a few years until I had to stop because of the romantic overtones of the letters and his demands for things such as a gold cross and chain and an electric typewriter. No matter how many times or how I tried to tell him these sort of things were inappropriate he kept requesting and declaring...so unfortunately I had to write a "dear John" letter and end our friendship... It was becoming unhealthy for both of us and instead of providing friendship and support it became the opposite. Yes I know that I should have tried to make it work and yes I know that the inmates have it tough in gaol etc but sometimes its better to bring to an end then drag out an uncomfortable situation. I have since starting writing inmates again and have made it totally clear that letters, photos and cards are all I have to offer now and in the future!! Let's hope it doesnt start all over again. PS The inmate I used to write now writes to someone I know as I passed his details on and didnt leave in totally out in the cold.
|
|
|
Post by legallybrunette on Aug 1, 2006 15:24:29 GMT -5
oh I am so glad that you posted as your comments have validated my concerns about this inmate. Coincidentally he asked for funds for an electric typewriter too!! Is that inmate in your case, 'acting up' for your friend as well? I was left with doubts as to my concerns as his other longstanding penpals to whom I spoke briefly in England, spoke positively about their experiences with him.Perhaps it's a case of inmates thinking some are more vulnerable than others! Did your experience put you off writing to anyone for a while ?
|
|
|
Post by pollypolly on Aug 1, 2006 16:58:39 GMT -5
No he's not acting up for my friend yet. And yes it did put me off writing inmates for a couple of years, I have just started writing inmates again now. I mean write to an inmate serving life in Thailand and you will find how good US prisons do treat prisoners even though it is appaling. In Thailand the conditions are worse then living in hell.
|
|
|
Post by legallybrunette on Aug 3, 2006 6:45:10 GMT -5
Did the inmate you stopped writing to, take your 'dear john' end to the friendship ok or did he persist in writing anyway? That is something I fear as I have tried to gently break the news to this inmate that things are getting too difficult for me and that I am committed to my marriage but it is just as if I had never said any of that. He continues to write weekly and has done for the past 4 years. If I don't respond promptly, within the same time frame, he gets his mother to ring me at work to find out why I haven't!! I keep blaming myself 'cos once in a fit of guilt at the thought of the loneliness endured in there, I addressed him as 'hello me dear' and on another occasion, I referred to him jokingly as 'just one big teddy bear'. Really ought to rein in my enthusiastic language eh, in all future correspondence with inmates!! I guess they see things differently to us with such limited stimulae around them in drab conditions. Also, has it made you uncomfortable that your penpals may not be able to acknowledge their absolute culpability for their crimes? It does irk me. My penpal insists that it was entirely a combination of the State and his tough upbringing that resulted in his crime at age 18.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkinpie on Aug 3, 2006 13:22:25 GMT -5
Legallybrunette,- maybe you could just not flirt back with him, but still write and mention your husband from time to time, letting him know that you are happily married. I seriously think, especially if you are the only friend he really has, that he would more than likely rather have you as a friend, than not have you at all. When he asks you to buy him things, you could write him back and tell him" You know what, you are being rude. Does our friendship mean anything to you? Or are you just trying to see what you can get out of me material wise?" About the romance part of it though, I think its pretty normal that he would have these fantasies, since you are probably the only woman writing him. He knows you are married and you dont have to flirt back if you don't want to.
|
|
|
Post by legallybrunette on Aug 3, 2006 15:42:54 GMT -5
I think you're right actually. It may seem harmless joking in my mind but then I live a 'normal' life and my letters are all he has in the way of entertainment in there. Every little word can have added significance for him. He has other female penpals : one is an elderly nun and the other is a middle aged married mother of 7. Hmm, guess I rest both my case and yours then!!
|
|
|
Post by pollypolly on Aug 4, 2006 0:54:50 GMT -5
Good points Pumpkinpie, I write to an inmate who is starting to ask for alot, Ive been referring him onto these sort of sites hoping he can find what he wants though it does seem that he is registered with most DR sites out there. Might just have to use your " You know what,...." line one day in the future. I'm really careful when I ask what can be sent to word it like...can I send you photos? and cards?? instead of just asking an open question. I am also ohhh sooo careful about signing letters "love" warmest thoughts etc etc...guess writing inmates really isnt as easy as some people might think and we have to think before putting pen to paper!! Cheers all
|
|
|
Post by legallybrunette on Aug 4, 2006 19:04:09 GMT -5
Spoke to my penpal's mother who rang earlier and tried to break it to her that I was finding all the emotional demands in his letters a bit much and I really couldn't handle it. I explained that perhaps my friendly language, as you say of 'hugs' or 'love' which is pretty normal for my signing off of letters to friends, may have given him the wrong impression. She said he would be heartbroken if I 'let him down' and what did I expect to do 'when' he was released. Gulp. Does anyone know how one might check out an inmate's actual crime PRIOR TO commencing correspondence with them? I could not bear to write to a child molester or serial killer. I was merely fortunate that my penpal happens to have done no harm to any child ever and nor did he commit crimes repeatedly. Had he done so, I would have been in a real emotional dilemma since one can learn to really like corresponding with someone who could turn out to be the perpetrator of untold horrors.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkinpie on Aug 4, 2006 22:09:15 GMT -5
I cannot believe his mother said that to you! That is so wacky that she would say that. It almost sounds like they are both trying to manipulate you. How did you end up getting in touch with his mother, anyway? Sounds like they are both living in fairy tale la-la-land. Are you thinking about getting rid of him and his mother altogether? It doesn't sound like they're being very respectful of you and your life. After you've been nice enough to write him, this is what you get.
|
|
|
Post by pollypolly on Aug 5, 2006 1:32:25 GMT -5
Man that is a shocker!!! I would be making sure things are really clear in the next letter you write to this inmate eg telling him that you are only a friend and what you expect will happen after he has been released. sh*t if it was me and was getting hassled by his oldies and that I would say see ya later matey and just mark the experience down to a lesson learnt. But you have to give him a chance to explain his view of the situation.
|
|
|
Post by pollypolly on Aug 5, 2006 1:34:56 GMT -5
Oh I forget to answer the other part of your post./...you can normally check out the crime in a couple of ways, I do an internet search and see what news stories come up, the I go to the prison which they are in and see if they have an inmate information section which lists the crimes, I think some states have a website you can check out.....let me look and I'll try to post a link to a site to help you.
|
|
|
Post by pollypolly on Aug 5, 2006 1:43:58 GMT -5
Nope sorry I had a quick look and couldnt find the sites, I do know its pretty easy to find out the crime details of DR inmates its even listed in some penpal sites. Sorry that I couldnt be of more help
|
|
|
Post by legallybrunette on Aug 5, 2006 17:26:56 GMT -5
Thanks for taking the time to check that out Pollypolly (that's a sweet username by the way ) I am a bit freaked out by the mother angle. It was my penpal who kept insisting that he needed me to speak to his mother as I was such a good friend and with great reluctance and after I recall about 4 letters from him pressing the point, I finally agreed and fool that i am, gave him my office phone number. His mother began ringing ....and ringing... and ringing... and so it went on. I tried to explain about my being married and having a settled life in England but she keeps arguing that life is better in the US - presumably with her son as some kind of permanent personal feature in my life. Yikes!! She asked me to call her 'mama' which I found distinctly uncomfortable and so I compromise by calling her 'my dear'. My problem is that I cannot bear to think of hurting someone's feelings but coupled with the financial pressure they are both placing on me to assist him with his 'extra treats', things are getting out of hand. I hear what you are all saying and think I had better firmly tell him in my next letter that either things change or we say our farewells.
|
|